And Now You Know

Prompt:  Tell me an entirely incorrect history of the United States

The Mayflower

There were Pilgrims.  There was a ship called the Mayflower.  However, one did not ride in the other.  The Pilgrims came over on a bunch of different ships, all with names like God's Love and Our Lord in Heaven.  By contrast, the Mayflower was a very pretty name for a very dirty ship as it was loaded with prisoners sent to establish a new colony.  All of that tripe about cooperating with the natives and the turkey thing is a bunch of revisionism put together by scam artists, of which there were more than a few on the Mayflower.

The Tea Party

... was an actual tea party.  The host, one Mr. Timothy B. Camber, was introducing his new Salt Teas.  By using Boston Bay water, Mr. Camber was able to bypass the tax laws.  Unfortunately, it tasted horrible and caused massive stomach cramps, forcing those that imbibed to throw it back into the bay.

Paul Revere's Ride

There were no lanterns in the old North Church.  There was no high speed ride around Boston.  Mr. Revere was not even a silver smith, but a brothel owner.  His cry of "The British are coming" had nothing to do with the invasion.

The Constitutional Congress

This meeting of great minds takes its name from Mr. Franklin's bowels.  He was constantly complaining about the state of his constitution and his need to take constant "constitutionals" to clear them out.

The Whiskey Rebellion

A small distillery in western Pennsylvania started making a new, very potent whiskey.  Due to it's strength, it caused many of its drinkers to go wild: to rebel.  So many people drank it that eventually the army was called in to restore order to the region.

The War of 1812

Did not happen.  1812 was a peaceful year and very boring.  Historians made this war up in an attempt to keep their students from falling asleep in class.

The Civil War

Did happen.  And it was very bloody, just as we are told in the 'history books.'  It was even about slavery.  One slave: Tobias.  He was a hard worker and held a special place for the lady of the plantation at which he worked.  When the two of them were caught by the owner, she claimed that he had raped her.  Tobias fled to the northern states who would not return him.  This lead to the conflict that has been called "The War of Northern Aggression."

World War One

Also happened.  However, the reason that the US was so late in entering the conflict was due to being invaded.  By Denmark.  The Danes had stock piled ships, men and guns in Iceland and Greenland in preparation for invading the US and Canada.  They felt that there was more than enough land to go around and were sick of being stuck on their own little peninsula.  It took the combined might of the US Army and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to push the land hungry Danes back into the sea.

The Great Depression.

Oklahoma lost five hundred feet in elevation.  This drop happened over the course of a month and was enough to change the local weather patterns and cause a drought.  No one knows why it lost that much height, but fortunately, the oil industry is doing its best to pump it back up with its fracking technology.

World War Two

This was a bet between Hitler, Mussolini and Hirohito.  They had met in college and went out drinking one night.  Drunk and broke, they set a bet to see who could control the most land.  Ultimately, Hitler won the bet with the most land mass, though Hirohito kept claiming that he had control over more of the globe.  Poor Mussolini never really made it out of Italy.

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